A tribute to the greatest little helper in the world

Monday, October 30, 2006

Greetings fellow followers of the one true faith!

I have no news for you today, if you disregard the fact that garlic bread with honey mustard and nutella is as delicious a treat as any, which you most likely will.
I only write to tell you the movement still lives, dispite the efforts of the CIA, Mossad, Al-quaida and others. they will never keep us down with their guns and their words for we are strong in our conviction and therefore will triumph!
peace out
(if any of the above mentioned are reading this, and I know you are, please dont hurt us. we bruise easily)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bad Worshippers! Bad!

Today when I opened my e-mail inbox i was shocked! Not so much by all the pornographic material (read: animal porn) that i had received because, after all, I had ordered it.
No, what shocked me was a series of pictures, edited pictures, showing his holiness as all sorts of farm animals, and even one where he had the body of actor/humanitarian Angelina Jolie. I would like to make absolutely clear to you people that despite being wildly erotic to a degree where one finds it hard to sit still, pictures such as these are NOT allowed, and were NOT what i meant when I asked you to participate in the contest. All but a select few have been deleted, and the rest will follow as soon as I buy them back from notquiteangelina.com (sorry, it was a moment of weakness and I really needed the money for crack). If we are going to have contests like this in the future you need to pull your act together.
now for the very last time: Troels Nielsen is our savior and protector from a dangerous world. Troels Nielsen is a becon of light in a desert of burned out candless in the middle of the darkest night. Troels Nielsen is NOT our dirty mama, and consequently does NOT deserve to be spanked for being naughty naughty...
As a matter of fact, that will be our new prayer. reherse it with your friends, and shout it from the roof tops.
Freaks!
As for the artist responsible for these pictures, we know that you meant well, but if you have any doubts about what will be your fate, please scroll down to the original contest declaration post.
you will be missed...

the american emperialists bow down before us


Our glorious leader and guru has recently been recognized by one of the top political commentators in that other gods own country, the USA. I speak of course of former religious conservative and host of the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert. Mr. Colbert has become so enthusiastic that he has dedicated his "on notice board" to the cause, putting on notice all those who would question our leaders magnificence, persecuting the nay-sayers in a manner so merciless and intolerant that it has earned him a place in the troelsian hall of fame.
Our revolution has taken off. now if only we could get a spot on MTV crips...

By the way, i'm not quite sure why mr. Colbert cannot spell the word asparagus, but he might have been just a little drunk when he wrote it...

Monday, June 26, 2006

back again

I apologise for having been absent for so long, but I was captured by a group of terrorists who took me away to their penthouse in Bora Bora when they held me for ransom until they realised that noone was going to pay...

Anyway they felt sorry for me so they bought me an ice cream and let me go. The trip back cost me about 20.000, but im sure you dont care about that either...

Moving right along, my mailbox has been flooded with submissions for the contest. Im pretty sure ive received all of them because the worried e-mails asking where I was or if I was all right did not take up much space...

So... I have been editing them, sorting out the worst obscenities, and I will post them as they clear. Here is the first one, by Varatesh, high priest of the Troelsian order.
Personally I think it is a bit sentimental, but it is the thought that matters. (Not!)

Enjoy...


The Helper

Once upon a time a small river tortoise was being carried down a long wide river. Its little tortoise eyes kept closing, for it was on the brink of exhaustion. But luck was on the side of the wee tortoise because soon the river took a turn and it was able to drag itself onto the shore. The tortoise squinted its little eyes as an altogether heavenly sight appeared before it. Birds and butterflies in an endless array of colours circled gently above a garden of flowers and little bushes where a variety of animal species lived in perfect harmony. About half a mile inland rose, from the fertile ground, a huge rock. It stood two miles high and so it had stood for ages. Naruda, the animals called it, and this, in their tongue, means the helper. Naruda loved his little garden, and he protected it well. On the rare occasions when bad weather would strike this land he held out his hands to shield it. On a few occasions he had even let at stone fall from his heart onto cheeky wolf packs that had strayed onto these Elysian Fields.

But all good things must come to an end and the little tortoise was not the only new arrival on this day. Up the river, travelling against the current in the wombs of dead trees, came strange two legged creatures. As did the wee tortoise, these “orcs”, as they called themselves, stood long on the shore looking at all the wonders in front of them. But unlike the tortoise they did not then lay down to bask in the sun. Instead they soon began to chase the other animals, even kill them. Naruda was enraged that predators had been able to enter his domain. As soon as they strayed too close to him he would crush them. But the orcs never did. They stayed by the water where their behaviour quickly became even stranger. They actually began to cut down the bushes and trees from the surrounding forest and stack them in big piles. These piles they used for shelter against the elements and so they had no need of Naruda. Once in a while curious youngsters would go to Naruda, but they never spoke to him nor asked his council. Instead they climbed onto his feet and brought pieces of his toes back to their burrows on the shore. They soon gave up this behaviour as Naruda’s penalty was swift and hard. So hard, in fact, that he, in the legends of these people, was a model of pure evil.

Many years passed and, while the orcs grew ever more numerous, entire species of animals were eradicated. And to add pain to torment many of these species lived only here and so their kind was lost forever. Over the years Naruda had grown weary from the pain and agony he felt every day from his dear children below. Many times he had tried to reach out to the orcs but it was as if they were def to the sound of his voice. Filled with anger as he was in every corner of his body he wished dearly that he could destroy the intruders before they destroyed what was left of his world. Sadly though, as he knew all to well, the only way he could reach all the way to the waters edge was if he let his whole body fall over. This would, unfortunately, apart from it wrecking havoc on his view, kill off all of his little friends and destroy the rest of the plants, and the mere thought of this was too much for his gentle heart to bare. And so he just stood there until the day when the last musk rat was dead and the last flower had been trampled. By then the orcs had built their houses all the way up onto the very rock. Naruda did not even bother to drop rocks on them, for this tide of irritating little creatures could not be stopped so easily. Eventually Naruda fell into a deep sleep and he slept for a thousand years.

When finally he opened his eyes he thought what he was still dreaming. A cloud of black smoke rose from the burning ground and almost blocked out the sun. The creatures had set the world on fire, destroying the very shelters that they had sacrificed the trees to build. A colossal blast ripped the very fabric of existence and Naruda was almost frightened into an early grave. Full of despair and bleeding from a broken heart he once again fell into a deep sleep filled with dreams of burning houses and dying orcs, birds falling dead from a blood red sky, and a wee tortoise choking to death on the very air that it relied on for life.

Another millennium passed in the life of the helper before he once again rose from sleep and dared to open his eyes. What he saw may have surprised him even more than the burning sky. Below lay the flattened ruins of the world of the orc and on its back and down its sides and all the way around it, all the way to the waters edge, lay a blanket of soft green grass covered with flowers so rich in colour that Naruda thought he had never seen anything like it since the dawn of time. Birds and beasts were so abundant that it seemed the ground itself was moving. It was spring and the butterflies had just left their cocoons and they were everywhere. Suddenly the eyes of the helper were caught by something very tiny on the riverbank. There sat a wee tortoise, basking in the sun. When the wee tortoise sensed that Naruda had awoken, he had waited long for this moment, he looked up at him, squinting his little eyes, and spoke with the littlest voice, which only the helper could hear. And as he told the story of the darker years Naruda’s face first turned to sorrow and then at last to joy, for the words of the little one consoled him and he would never fear the orcs again. For with all their might and fury they can only spoil what has been created and not the very fabric of live, and so when the world is utterly destroyed, life will rise again and soon they will be but a distant memory in the mind of the helper.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Its a christmas miracle, in june...


What you see here is a picture of a genuine miracle.
The miracle itself has of course been sold several times over on E-bay by our nigerian chapter, and the money deposited on our swizz savings/hooker-account, but we still have this picture.
In a surprising agricultural salute to our benevolent leader the very earth that carries our souls trough the vast darkness of space has molted this potato in the likeness of Troels himself and lifted it up above the ground for all to see.
I am sure I need not point out to you exactly how I see the resemblens. It should be obvious to any true believer.
These are truly magical times that we are living in. Let us all rejoice in their glory.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

contest update

We have received the first letter from a devotee who has written a beautiful little poem about Troels. I have translated it from the original klingon (english, people. Is it too much to ask?) and it goes like this:

"Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!
Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!! Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!
oooh...
oooh...
ih...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!"

And thanks to Lisa for that contribution. You are a very disturbed little girl. but in a good way :-)

a thought about the origin of Troels

Now that the cowardous rebellion against our great leader has been thwarted, i feel it is time to adress some of the concerns that have been brewing amongst our followers. I have received numerous emails, some from myself, some not, expressing a need for an answer to one particular question. Why is it possible in some places, such as the fabrication dates of chicken wings in the freezer of my local greengrocer El-Sushi, to find evidence suggesting that there was in fact life on this planet prior to the date our lord awoke amongst us. Just to stick with the previous example, we know for a fact that Troels did not exist in 1963 when the chicken drew its last breath, which leads us to ask the age-old question: what came first; the chicken or the Troels?

Now some would call me a blasphemer for even suggesting this. well, you may be but what am I?

I plan to spend a great deal of time and money investigating and probing into this question, and i promise you that I will find an answer. Or at the very least make one up...

Halleluja!!!

In an earthshattering turn of events Troelses chair has finally been returned to him. Praised be He!
There is still no word of what has happened to the perpetrator, but the hand of justice, i am sure, will soon close around his wretched shroat.

This also means, by the way, that the blood of the innocent needs to stop flowing now. Sorry...

still no word...

Just want to keep you up to date on the search for Troelses throne. im afraid there is still no word. i fear the worst...

contest time :-)

It is time for the first annual "poetry of worship"-contest, better known as the POW.

All contributions are welcome, all though I do owe it to say that any contributions deemed unworthy of Troelses greatness will result in persecusion, torture and... you guessed it, death!
Its not to be elitist, but we do have to keep a certain standard, im sure you will agree.
Anyway, do not let that discourage you. just scrible away and keep you little fingers crossed.

All poems, haikus, pieces of origami and the like can be send to bomag812@hotmail.com

The grand price for the greatest piece of art is nothing short of amazing.

The winner will get to spend all day (or at least till the end of normal business hours) in the divine precens of Troels himself...

So what are you waiting for?

Get to work!

In other news...

Greetings fellow Troelsians!

In what can only be described as ABOUT BLOODY TIME our magnificent leader has been unanimously elected as the single most important individual in the universe during a conference i Aalborg today. Almost the entire danish section of the "World Wide Foundation for the sanctification of Troels and his long overdue ascention to the throne of EVERYTHING!" (also known as the WWF) showed up at this epic event, and cries of "Troels for pope!", "kill the heathens!" and "Attica Attica!" rang out across the waters/floor.
Troels himself was unfortunately not able to attend the gathering as he was, as always, out helping the weak, the helpless and the just plain stupid.
I am, however, convinced that he will be happy to hear of it, and that he will rain his many blessings upon us.

Happy day. Happy Troels-day indeed...

off to a slow start...

My first entry on this tributory site starts off on a sad note. While I have been sitting here putting the finishing touches on my meager salute to the great becon of light that is mr. Nielsen, some rodent whoes kin will be cursed for a thousand generations has stolen the very seat of his divine rule out from under him. To clarify i submit to you this letter which I have just received from the master himself. Bow your heads (not too much though or you wont be able to see the screen) and bathe in the glory of his word...

"Hej alle sammen!

Jeg savner min stol...

Da jeg er hjælper må jeg gå ud fra, at i alle ved hvem jeg er og hvor jeg sidder. Jeg kan derfor kun opfatte det som et personligt angreb, at nogen har taget ikke bare een stol men min stol."

To translate to our english speaking breathren: Someone has stolen our magnificent leaders chair!
This calls for the blood of the innocent! (yes, thats right, it says innocent, why the hell should they get off?)
Go forth into the world and slay all who possess a chair that is not theirs. and when you do so remember the words of another great man and apprentice of mr. Nielsens:

Deuteronomy 21:22-23
"If a man who commits a sin worthy of death is put to death, and you hang him from a tree
his body must not remain in the tree overnight.
You must bury him on the same day, for a hanged man is acursed of God."
Other than that you can pretty much just go medieval...
Now Go!